there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
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I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
never forget
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”