@sarahshopbird: Calm down! I'm not officially late until I actually get there.
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@WilliamAder: Do those "selfie sticks" retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
@Breadery: Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won't be unusual.
@TylerFoFyler: I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact.