@sarahshopbird: Calm down! I'm not officially late until I actually get there.
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@SortaBad: Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers? Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato? Exec: damn that's so good
@Underchilde: I know I should be searching for my missing friend, but there’s a lot of food in his apartment that’ll spoil if I don’t eat it.
@TheRobCee: "Hey, let's make the inside of this building & every square inch of everyone & everything smell like THIS." -inventor of incense
@jazmasta: [speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!" "Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"