Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
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Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.