Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean