Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
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Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Stop sending me this shit.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.