Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The point of your 20s
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide