@The_Perturbator: Calm down, Norway.
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@bourgeoisalien: Hey, Christianity- what's all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don't. Because sex. Also? More sex.
@KenJennings: I bet a lot of people have tried that "See you next year!" joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.
@primawesome: My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could've done to get on my mom's level.
@jazmasta: [running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today