ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
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[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.