@tealbluejay: Calm down penguins. You're just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
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@d_whitehouse: Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts. Scrooge: I thought it was 3. Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
@truegritrumble: DATE: I think nervous boys are cute. ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent! DATE: This date is over.
@djdarrellripley: Me: HOLY SHIT! We've been robbed! Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police? Me: (Sigh) No, I'm calling the burglars to congratulate them..