Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…