rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
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Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
This is why I hate group projects
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.