Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
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[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
This could be us but you eatin’
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.