Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
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I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you