Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.