@Crunch11b: Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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@SadPeruna: If I was a magician I'd ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
@Jandalize: Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
@topaz_kell: When I treat people the way I want to be treated, they get weirded out when I start brushing their hair.
@gruffybeard: Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck. Dad: So you're saying they almost... Mom: Don't do it! Dad: ...mowed you down.