I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
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Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.