Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
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Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Where’s my employee discount too?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right