“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
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i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐