“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Mad Max Arctic Road
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday