@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
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@ryaninco: Me: I'll take another drink. Bartender: Would you like for me to call you a cab sir? Me: No it's cool he's driving * points at chair*
@darkmatter_wimp: Satan: "I'm gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!" God: "I'm gonna make them all kill each other because of me." Satan: "Dude..."
@JediGigi: Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Wow. Nobody's ever asked me that. Interviewer: Take a minute to th- Me: Arendelle.