Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
You Might Also Like
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I’ll be mad as hell!
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face