@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
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@thestlouisan: A movie about a surfer vs. a shark but instead of going back into the water & fighting the shark & dying, she finds somewhere else to surf.
@TheCatWhisprer: MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it's just a scratch MAN: [with a cold] omg i can't breathe i think i'm dying
@StellaRtwot: Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you're on a swing?
@BrianIncognito: I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats. * pew pew *