@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
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@TheDailySchmuck: Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don't think I'll be able to curse today. Shucks.
@gerryhallcomedy: Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.
@_Ms_Moneypenny_: Some guy called me a siren. It's like he doesn't even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
@iGreenMonk: I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.