Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.