@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed. Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed. 4: Me: *sprints to the toaster*

@hunz74: Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.

@CopBroughtPizza: "even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN'T kill." - my first and last day as a defense attorney

@MrGeorgeWallace: Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin', keepin' that magma to themselves and whatnot.

@Pro_Jones_: I've been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote "never change" in my middle school year book.