@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
@hunz74: Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.
@CopBroughtPizza: "even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN'T kill."
- my first and last day as a defense attorney
@MrGeorgeWallace: Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin', keepin' that magma to themselves and whatnot.
@Pro_Jones_: I've been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote "never change" in my middle school year book.
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