@sliver_of: Imagine how much fatter we’d all be if they made snack bags less noisy so we could finally snack in peace

@writersdream: Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn't live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

@kelkulus: The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

@IAmMikeFeeney: The first thing I'm going to do when I'm rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

@jilli212: Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year