@TheHyyyype: me: time to hit the hay wife: you're going to bed? me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

@WheelTod: *hijacks plane *kills pilot Me *turning to friend: "OK. Now fly this thing!" Friend: “I can't fly a plane” Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!” Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*” Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!... Ah OK I get it now.”

@ryanchris: The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

@crunchenhancer: A 6'-6" guy doesn't scare me, but my 5'-1" wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

@Book_Krazy: [Dinosaur Rap Battle] We're gonna win this for sure! "Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?" WE'RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen