Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
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My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night