@UncleBob56: Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
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@JUSTLisandra: Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons. Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders.. But never lemons.
@KeetPotato: me: "i taught this chimp to say words" chimp: "nice haircut" reporter: "oh my god.. does he know anything else?" me: "sarcasm apparently"
@amydillon: I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
@omgthatspunny: It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it