Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
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I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”