“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Beware of fowl play.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Knock Knock
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.