@Scott_A_Gilmore: Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.
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@donni: COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you-- ME: Handcuff keys COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy's good
@LOsepyan: Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?
@murrman5: [kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED