Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
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Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!