Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.