CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
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I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Oh hi lol
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.