[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
this will hang in the louvre one day
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…