Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
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I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
They did not miss in the small print
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.