[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
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some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Something Saturday.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
When ur friends with white people
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.