“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
You Might Also Like
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF