[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
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Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Love this guy
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend