House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
You Might Also Like
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
🖤✌🏽
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”