a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I’m aging like a fine banana
shut up and take my money
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.