CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day