[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
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I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I missed you with all my darts
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
For cardio I live beyond my means.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.