[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
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Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My plans: 2020:
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up