[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
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I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
#parenting
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
thank god
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
do what now??
become ungovernable
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.