[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
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lol
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I don’t make the rules sorry
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.