[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
me refusing to leave twitter
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
just witnessed a drug deal
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house