[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
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Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.