[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
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This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.