[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
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Breakfast for Stoners:
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
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We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”