*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
How I like cutting carbs
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face