Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
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ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
pat pat
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.