*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
You Might Also Like
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
live long and prosper!
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.