Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I already tried new things thanks.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.