Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
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Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.