Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
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My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
opening twitter today
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
o shit
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money