Can Happiness buy money?
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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I never needed anything more in my life
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.