Can Happiness buy money?
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10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
So that’s what we looked like?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.