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@ayyyyloser: Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
@chuuew: I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Priest: What is your name?
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let's keep him. Next...
@jimmy_sharpe: [lights focus on guy in interrogation room]
"Say it. SAY IT."
*points at sign saying "Worcestershire Sauce"*
@NowAPisces: Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled "supplies!"
@david8hughes: Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no