Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
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Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Bike is short for Bichael.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry