Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
You Might Also Like
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot