“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
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Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope